Though I've never personally experienced it, I think there must be a time when a ship is sinking where those who are aboard and unable to get off of the ship mentally "throw in the towel". Or when someone is dying, and they consciously give there last breath because they can't bare to take one more. I am a sinking ship. I'm throwing in the towel so to speak. No, I'm not suicidal, stop worrying. I'm just done. Done with the direction my life, if you can even call it that, has taken. I'm depleted. If I was a pioneer I would be sitting on the side of the trail watching my family walk into the horizon. I'm really not trying to be a downer, I just need to express how I'm currently feeling. Gosh, I really hate it when people are constantly negative, and I think I have been lately.
So, I love my kids. I love having them home, most of the time anyway. I love being IN CONTROL of their education. I want to be IN CONTROL of my home. I wish I had MORE CONTROL over my motivation to eat healthier and exercise more. Are you seeing a pattern here? I'm out of control. And that's normal, it happens. But I can't stand to live life completely OUT OF CONTROL.
I'm having some major issues right now. Call it Epstein Barr Virus (mono), Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, or Fibromyalgia. I dunno, I've been told all of these at different times by different doctors. All I know is I can't sleep at night, I can't get out of bed in the morning and I hurt most of the time. It sucks. Nobody can fix me. I'm trying to eat better and walk in the evenings. I don't always eat great and I don't always go walking, but I'm giving it a big effort. It doesn't seem to be helping. Am I depressed? YEAH! BECAUSE I am exhausted all of the time! Sigh
So here's my problem. I'm letting my kids down because I'm too tired to do school work lately. I'm letting my family down because I'm too tired to clean and organize my house. I'm letting myself down because I can't do the things I need to. So I'm giving up. No, not on everything. Not on what I HAVE to do, but on what I can let someone else do. For me, that means educating the kids. Right now we're discussing putting them in school in the fall for at least part time. I don't know. I may have to put them in full time. This is a hard decision for our family and Russ and I are going to the temple on Friday to ponder it.
Well, that's one thing that will ease a bit of my burdens anyway. I'm looking to find some other solutions as well. I'm actually accepting help from Martha in organizing/decluttering my house, which is a HUGE step for me. So, I'm making progress I suppose. I started my organization project today. I'm about half way finished with my pantry. I love that things are in labeled boxes right now and that I could walk away, able to come back tomorrow and pick up where I left off.
Now, I just need to feel EXCITED about something in life again. That's one of my goals right now. Find a passion.
Okay, bumfest is over! I feel better already. I just needed to get that off my chest. I hope I haven't depressed anybody! I love you all! Especially those that leave comments. ;)
(Since I'm posting this so late at night and in a fatigued state, I hope I don't regret what I wrote, like I did last time. )
4 days ago
9 comments:
Man, I'm so depressed now.
KIDDING! That was good to read. When I saw the title of your blog, I thought you were going to say you got a pet skunk, too. I didn't even want to know how he fit into the cat/bunny equation.
Yes, let go of being in control so much. Of course, life would be perfect if it would happen just like we think it should and if the schools would educate the kids like we think they should and if the house stayed clean like we think it should, but that's not how this earthly experience was designed for us. As you've found, a woman wears herself down pretty quick in trying to defy gravity, so to speak. That kind of wear and tear will lead doctors to label one with any of those illnesses. I got one of those labels too and realized later that I felt much better and not ill at all when I stopped being so stressed all the time! MAGIC!
Is this a case of the pot calling the kettle black? How do you think I know this stuff? This pot has learned to simmer down. :D
Baby steps...don't beat yourself up, just do y our best. You are an amazing woman WITHOUT super powers, you don't need to act like you have them!
Thanks Adhis and Heidi. I've always known that I have very high expectations of myself. My life has just spun into complete chaos. It's always been chaotic to some degree, but it's worse than ever and I know something has to change. I'm trying to "destress" which I'm positive "decluttering" will go a long way. Decluttering my home, my life and my head.
Thanks for your comments and encouragement. I really appreciate it. :)
You are amazing. You have to realize that you CAN'T do everything. We all WANT to do everything all of the time. Be perfect and make everybody happy. It doesn't work that way. I think you're doing great at figuring out what you can loosen your grip on. Heidi was right. Baby steps. One day at a time. Give yourself a break!! (((HUGS)))
Oh Aubrey. I so so so feel your pain. I've struggled (and still do) with similar issues myself and it is not fun. It's hard enough juggling all of our responsibilities without feeling like crap, but add the crap in, and it becomes nearly impossible.
I agree with Adhis, try to de-stress as much as possible, and you'll start to feel better. My depression is so much worse when I'm stressed out. (Actually your symptoms sound a lot like depression to me, but maybe I'm just projecting.)
A big part of de-stressing is letting things go. But more importantly, don't feel guilty about letting things go.
One problem I had (have?) is there are so many things I want to work on -eating healthy, exercising, working on my spiritual life, serving others, homeschool, dejunking the house, organizing, being a good mom, etc etc etc, that I end up feeling completely overwhelmed and I shut down. Not only do I not work on any of them, but I don't maintain my regular life either. And that of course stresses me out too. It's a big ole cycle of stress.
So I had to learn to let go -just like you're doing. Sometimes mom just can't do it all. There's a time and season for all things, and this season should be spent taking care of you. The cleaning and homeschool and even some parental responsibilities can wait. Have your kids take over some of your jobs. Let them know that you haven't been feeling well, and until you get better they need to help out more around the house. -That's what I do with my kids. It's ok to show them you're human. Don't overwhelm them of course, but ask them to help and they'll help.
Know that you have a group of women who love you and are here to help when you need it. Don't be afraid to ask for it. I know sometimes that's the hardest part.
You are an amazing, capable woman. It's ok to not do or be as much as you think you should. Wonder Woman doesn't exist, so don't feel like you need to fill her shoes.
I'm really feelin ya Aubrey. I think we all go through times like this. Hang in there, say your personal prayers. It will get better, and let people help you. Sometimes, we are our own worst enemy, and harshest critic.
My best advice....take lots of medication, it worked for me (and still does.)
Love you.
I think that we all have times where we throw our hands up and want to quit. (I do it daily sometimes) I know that I let the pressure of being perfect get to me. I can't do it all. I don't even come close and it's hard to accept that at times.
I love you and I'm sorry that I've been a horrible friend lately.
Lyns, thanks for your hugs. I miss you!
Sarah, you're right. I think I am having depression symptoms. I'm already taking an antidepressant so I've been wondering if the dose needs to be upped or if I should change meds. Thanks for your comfort and advice.
Jackie, I need some Valium I think. Got any? lol
Janet, you're a great friend. Not like you have anything big going on in your life right now or anything. :) I do miss you though.
Thanks everyone for your comments and support. It's nice to know there are friends that care. :)
Oh, I get you about throwing in the towel, I've felt that at least once a month this entire year. Yes, you do need to make your life easier. Putting the kids in school isn't the end of the world, and you can always take them out when you feel ready.
I totally felt rejuvenated and excited about going back to school, but I've lost that motivation this summer. I guess the key is always finding what excites you, because at different times in your life you'll be inspired by different things.
You're taking great steps right now by recognizing the patterns and working on getting out of them. I'm glad you posted this, I needed to hear all the other comments too!
Oh, I wanted to add, your username is "A Joyful Mother of Children" Did you know there's a book by Linda Eyre that I just LOVE. Let me know if you haven't read it, I have an extra copy I can GIVE to you.
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